Sincere

I'm in the middle of working and I'm stuck on it when undesirably a strange thought comes into my mind.

It's easy saying ikhlas, or sincerity, in daily life. But unfortunately, acting as a mukhlis, or person with sincerity, is really hard. One of the hardest, maybe.

I said I'm sincere, I let it go.
But I kept hatred to things where it went to.
And sincerity is never coming together with hatred, curses, nor bad wishes.
So I lied when I was saying I'm sincere.
In other words, I wasn't sincere.
Why should I imprecate on things happened as His will?
I was afraid of losing. I was afraid to get nothing as a return.
But even an absence is a presence. So why should I bother? It was an instant exchange.
I, unconsciously, cursed God by my insincerity.
I, superciliously, thought that what I thought would be better than what He thought.
I put myself above the one whom I said I surrender myself to, God.
This only has a meaning.
I didn't have a faith in God.
Insincerity is the absence of faith in God.